Tuesday, October 28, 2008

My friend's uncle "Jim" had every ailment known to man

One day, he found himself unable to shit. Several days passed, and he went to the hospital.

The doctors tried everything over the following months... enemas, laxatives, probing... they were unable to clear his bowels. After a while he was no longer allowed to eat or drink, and was put on an IV while he waited for a shit.

After FIVE MONTHS of being bedridden do to extreme constipation, his doctor told him to go home. Jim was expected to die within days, so they figured he may as well do so at home with his family. Jim asked the docter if he was going to die anyway, could he please eat something? The doctor said yes, there was nothing more that could be done so he might as well enjoy a meal.

Jim stopped at Burger King on his way home from the hospital. He sat down to eat his Whopper, and halfway through it he felt his stomach start to rumble. He managed to make it to the toilet just in time to have the largest shit ever known to come out of a human being. He made a prompt recovery, and to this day his family jokes about Burger King being "Home of the Whopper".

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Now Italian toilets are a different matter...

A few years back me and a mate backpacked around italy for a bit, whilst attempting to leave Milan by train I had an overiding urge to shit and it got to the point where it was beginning to cripple my very movement. I waddled over to the gents and found the only unoccupied cubicle and opened the door.

Now i feel i must descibe what the italian public toilet is like, it is basically a hole in the floor surrounded by a porcelain footplate on which you can squat and aim.

In this particular toilet someone had definately squatted, but was a tad off on the aim. It basically looked like someones arse had exploded in there, the back wall of the cubicle was covered, i was assuming this was where the first salvo had hit because the was a brown stain on the wall plus a streak where it had run down onto the floor and into the hole. The rest of the mess was probably due to the explosive force of firing a particualry messy shit approximately a foot and a half into a wall.

Needless to say i held the shit until i had got on the train and used a proper toilet, and i never used an italian public toilet again

Monday, October 13, 2008

Drunk Poo

When I was 15 I'd been out somewhere and was on my way home when I bumped in to my brother and all his football team who were on their end of season do and all very pissed up. Anyway a couple of them bundled me in to their car and took me up to the local shit-hole of a nightclub and proceeded to ply me with beer. Feeling a little worse for wear I mae my way to the toilet to throw up. Now this is where it gets a little hazy. Obviously whilst I was hugging the bowl I fell asleep with my head down the pan. This is where a now very irrate brother found me and walked me home. What we soon realised as we were walking home was that a) I was fucking hammered and b) I'd shit in my pants whilst throwing up. There was nothing I could do other than carry on walking. When we got in I was that pissed that I just took my trousers and pants off, left them in a shitty heap on my bedroom floor with a note to my Mum left on them saying "Sorry I got pissed and shit my pants".

Still gets talked about to this very day.